Hahaha! Wait, hold on… you really believe that this is love? You go out to eat a few times and talk about dumb stuff and that’s it? Haha holy shit! That love is as real as your Rolex!
And when it falls apart you’ll only be disappointed.
Do nothing.
Excuse yourself.
“I’m gonna—”
Nah, sit back down you little shit. I’m gonna rip your pretty dreams in half.
So let me give you a little fiction lesson. The more stuff you can tie your characters to, the more interesting your story becomes. Romeo and Juliet in a bar? Sad white guy story. Romeo and Juliet as fallout from a longstanding blood feud? Now there’s stakes! Now their story means something! Now we’re touching eternal!
And that’s what this is all about, right? Not how cute you’ll look together in your wedding photos. Nor compatibility, or the beauty of her soul. No. It’s about the story you’re playing out with your life. And only pulps and racist jokes start in a bar.
Why do you think everyone wants their little sister these days? Because it’s the perfect tie! You were made, and then your companion was made—sound familiar? You love each other existentially, check! And since you’re family, you love each other unconditionally! If she’s not annoying then you’ll love her platonically!
And finally! As the two of you develop and begin to see each other in different lights, you wrap all those loves up between each other and, hand in hand, solemnly venture into a love you’ve only heard whispers of.
Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it everything we want?
Then you fucking don’t listen to me and jump off a bridge!